Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
3pm strippers are depressing
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
