sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
