Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
