if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
