I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
