your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
