she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
