I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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