I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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