Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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