sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
