we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
