i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hope mine doesn't look like that
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
