Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
