I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize