I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
