Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I touched a dick in church today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
