i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
