census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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