Your face is a jimmy john
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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