So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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