Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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