So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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