Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
