I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
