I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
