I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
