My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
