My nipple is on Facebook.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
