Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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