If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
