Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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