At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
