Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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