every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
