her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
