Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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