Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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