Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize