I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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