I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
