a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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