Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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