Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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