My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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