alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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