My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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