U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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