Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
