Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just pee around me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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