i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize