It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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