when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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