sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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