This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
