Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
